To the best of our knowledge, infants do not experience shame. However, studies and observation demonstrate the presence of this emotion by the time those infants grow into toddlers. In an ideal sense, this is a good thing. Caretakers can use a protective version of shame to teach young children about safe and appropriate behavior. In a healthy setting, this dynamic can empower the child to regulate their own behavior. If the child is at-risk, shame can lay the groundwork for emotional issues all the way into adulthood.
The Shame Game
We often use the words guilt and shame interchangeably but they have different meanings. In the simplest terms, guilt happens when we become aware of having done something wrong. Shame, on the other hand, can be seen as the next — and deeper — step. We experience shame after becoming aware of our (real or perceived) guilt. Shame results in us making a negative judgment about ourselves in light of our guilty behavior. In its many forms, shame is like a psychological prison. When it has been used as a coping mechanism during a dangerous childhood, its ramifications increase exponentially.
How Shame Can Help You Survive as a Child
Anxiety can trigger our fight-or-flight response. In this state, the brain automatically sets into motion a series of physiological reactions. However, there are times when we can neither flee nor fight. A common example of such vulnerability is childhood. This may be when a child learns to use shame in order to submit to a threat in the name of survival. When sensing real or perceived danger, the child may:
- Avert eyes
- Lower head
- Display submissive body language
- Speak in a whisper or not speak at all
Such behavior signals compliance and aims to draw attention elsewhere. A child familiar with violence and abuse (or the threat of either) may choose to avoid seeking help for fear of provoking more negative attention.
Such a child is perpetually blamed and infused with guilt. As described above, this can progress into shame and self-loathing. Hence, the child uses this chronic painful reality as a survival method against in-the-moment dangers. Long-term, this coping mechanism can lead to:
- Avoidance of social connections
- Suppression of emotions
- Seeking out attention through unhealthy and high-risk behaviors
Needless to say, it is essential to accept the presence of toxic shame and take steps to address it. From self-care to counseling, you can facilitate recovery.
4 Ways to Overcome Childhood Shame
1. Identify and Accept the Cycle
There is no need for any more shame. It can be incredibly beneficial to recognize the path that brought you to this point. Embrace this process and view it not as an opportunity for self-shaming. Rather, seize the opportunity to commence upon a journey of healing.
2. Identify and Accept Your Childhood Need for This Strategy
Let your inner child know that you validate their needs. That part of you was doing the best it could — under terrible circumstances. Reduce your feelings of shame by treating all versions of yourself with respect and compassion.
3. Become Familiar With Your Triggers
The better you understand what causes you shame, the better you can avoid it. Keep a journal to monitor patterns…and progress.
4. Shift Your Physical Behaviors
Just as the at-risk child uses their body to become as invisible as possible, you can find ways to use your body as a source of self-confidence. Body language, facial expression, gestures, and vocal inflections are all powerful ways to challenge past conditioning.
To dig deeper into this process, it helps to connect with a counselor. Read more about therapy and reach out today for a free consultation!
