How to Stop Over-Apologizing
Accept Imperfection
Everyone — every single one of us — makes mistakes. Embracing our inherent imperfection can help take the sting out of real or perceived gaffes. You will be less likely to see yourself a “mistake-prone.”
Take Responsibility Only For Your Part
Plenty of folks will happily deflect blame and dump it on someone else. Think about the profound manipulation of: “Look what you made me do.” Practice identifying your role in any given situation. From there, you can better assess if and how you may bear any blame. This will counter the above-mentioned conditioning by increasing your threshold for what you perceive as an offense.
Express Gratitude
When someone corrects you, you can choose to welcome it as a learning moment. If so, try saying “thank you” instead of saying “I’m sorry.” With one seemingly minor adjustment, you’ll be validating the other person’s time and emotions. You’ll also be changing your mindset from one of guilt to one of gratitude.
Be More Mindful
Mindfulness can help root us in the present. In this place, we’re not distracted by the past or future. Therefore, mistakes will decrease and any potential need for an apology will decrease. A life lived in the moment is almost always a life with less guilt and shame.
How to Authentically Apologize When Necessary
For the record, of course, there will be times when each and every one of us are required to voice an apology. Hence, to reduce the chances of needing to re-apologize, it is super useful to do it authentically the first time around. So, if you make a genuine mistake and/or hurt someone’s feelings, follow this template:
- Identify and own the specific behavior in question
- Hold yourself accountable for your actions
- Show and express sincere remorse
- Promise to makes amends for the error in judgment
- Promise to never engage in similar behavior
- Demonstrate through your actions that you will honor those promises
You Never Have to Apologize For Seeking Help
A lifetime of over-apologizing can establish an awful lot of guilt and shame. Conversely, a childhood of abuse and/or trauma can lead to a lifetime of over-apologizing. In either case, outside help is an excellent idea. Working regularly with a therapist will assist you in the excavating underlying causes of your guilt. You will also expose the collateral damage all that guilt is causing. This essential work empowers you with important context. From that space, you’ll be in a stronger position to boost your self-esteem and adapt your social behaviors.
I am here to help you live the life you want. Please read more about living authentically through trauma healing and contact me for a consultation soon.
