From women, the words “I’m sorry” are expected. In a male-dominated culture, women are raised to reflexively feel and take on guilt. Research has also found that women report themselves as committing more offenses than men. The result is often an avalanche of apologies — many, many of which are unwarranted. This trend can disempower girls and women. It can also damage a woman’s social standing. Perhaps most importantly, over-apologizing has the potential to infuse one’s life with toxic guilt and self-blame.
Why Over-Apologizing Comes Easier to Women
Research shows that men and women are equally likely to apologize. The big difference lies in how the different sexes decide where they’ve done something they should be sorry for. Study after study demonstrates that women have a lower threshold for what counts as an offensive act.
Generally speaking, boys are raised to be assertive and competitive. Girls are expected to empathetic caretakers. This deeply-embedded perception sets up a guilty-till-proven-innocent behavior and thus…lots of apologizing. Conditioning like this can be so pervasive that it can remain invisible. This is where counseling becomes so crucial (see below).
How to Stop Over-Apologizing
Accept Imperfection
Everyone — every single one of us — makes mistakes. Embracing our inherent imperfection can help take the sting out of real or perceived gaffes. You will be less likely to see yourself a “mistake-prone.”
Take Responsibility Only For Your Part
Plenty of folks will happily deflect blame and dump it on someone else. Think about the profound manipulation of: “Look what you made me do.” Practice identifying your role in any given situation. From there, you can better assess if and how you may bear any blame. This will counter the above-mentioned conditioning by increasing your threshold for what you perceive as an offense.
Express Gratitude
When someone corrects you, you can choose to welcome it as a learning moment. If so, try saying “thank you” instead of saying “I’m sorry.” With one seemingly minor adjustment, you’ll be validating the other person’s time and emotions. You’ll also be changing your mindset from one of guilt to one of gratitude.
Be More Mindful
Mindfulness can help root us in the present. In this place, we’re not distracted by the past or future. Therefore, mistakes will decrease and any potential need for an apology will decrease. A life lived in the moment is almost always a life with less guilt and shame.
How to Authentically Apologize When Necessary
For the record, of course, there will be times when each and every one of us are required to voice an apology. Hence, to reduce the chances of needing to re-apologize, it is super useful to do it authentically the first time around. So, if you make a genuine mistake and/or hurt someone’s feelings, follow this template:
- Identify and own the specific behavior in question
- Hold yourself accountable for your actions
- Show and express sincere remorse
- Promise to makes amends for the error in judgment
- Promise to never engage in similar behavior
- Demonstrate through your actions that you will honor those promises
You Never Have to Apologize For Seeking Help
A lifetime of over-apologizing can establish an awful lot of guilt and shame. Conversely, a childhood of abuse and/or trauma can lead to a lifetime of over-apologizing. In either case, outside help is an excellent idea. Working regularly with a therapist will assist you in the excavating underlying causes of your guilt. You will also expose the collateral damage all that guilt is causing. This essential work empowers you with important context. From that space, you’ll be in a stronger position to boost your self-esteem and adapt your social behaviors.
I am here to help you live the life you want. Please read more about living authentically through empowerment coaching and contact me for a consultation soon.
