Trauma and People Pleasing

Every one of us undergoes stressful experiences. It’s normal and inevitable. When that stressful event brings you to a place of helplessness, utter horror, injury, or the threat of injury, it moves into the category of “trauma.” Human beings, in general, respond to traumatic events in four basic ways: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn/people-pleasing. The first three are easily understood simply by their name. But fawn? This survival skill is highlighted by avoidance and appeasement. People, of any age, who choose fawning as a reaction to trauma tend to become chronic people pleasers.

Identifying the Fawn Response

To follow are some common signs that you are fawning in response to trauma:

You’re Unsure About What You Believe

People-pleasing often leads you to you agreeing with others to avoid conflict or possibly, abuse. You may regularly compromise your personal values to go along with the dominant crowd. This leads to guilt about your behavior and eventually, confusion about where you actually stand.

Emotional Numbness

This is an offshoot of the aforementioned sign. So much of your emotional energy is used to deflect attention and/or criticism. You are so concerned about the feelings of others that you have dissociated from what you are feeling.

You Feel Misunderstood

Following right along with the first two signs, this one feels inevitable. Your opinions and values are fluid — based on the situation. Your emotions are repressed to enable you to feel “safe.” It only makes sense that you’d feel lonely and misunderstood. It’s very hard for someone to know you or get close to you.

Your Emotions Surprise You

All of the above will likely result in unexpected emotional outbursts. All the confusion, repressed feelings, fear, and guilt have to release somewhere. When they do, it may feel like it came out of nowhere.

People Pleasing Can Hurt You

Ideally, all of us would be helpful to others. We’d each make time in which we put the needs of other people above ours. But the fawn response is less about altruism and more about fear. You feel safe and even validated by complying with everyone. Being a “good person,” you made unconsciously believe, will save you from further trauma. So, not all people-pleasing is self-harming. Your motivation for such behavior must be explored and that usually requires counseling (see below).

4 Ways to Stop the Fawn Response But Remain a Good Person

1. Get Comfortable With Saying “No”

You may be overwhelmed or even dread a particular task but saying “no” feels worse than going along to get along. Practice saying “no.” Set short-term goals. Be patient but consistent. Practice self-soothing techniques to calm trauma responses.

2. Say “Yes” to Self-Care

While you work on saying “no” to others, get used to saying “yes” to your own needs. Daily self-care is a powerful ritual. Firstly, you strengthen yourself both physically and mentally. This stronger version of you is better positioned to address the fawn response. But your self-care habits also teach you how to prioritize yourself — and how good that feels! Create internal self trust by using the Internal Family Systems approach of dialoging with your emotions.

3. Practice Mindfulness & Somatic Techniques

The trickiest aspect of people-pleasing is how invisible it can be. Others may simply see you as a nice person. You can’t recognize your motivations. Mindfulness practice brings us into the moment where we are more aware of our behaviors and the reasons behind them. Somatic regulation strategies help with staying present and with staying centered or within our window of tolerance.

4. Ask For Support

Talk with trusted friends and family members. Let them know how you’re struggling and ask them for support.

Trauma Recovery Requires Help

Trauma is a serious business and is best not tackled alone. Reach out today for a free consultation — in-person or by phone or video chat — to learn more about Trauma Counseling Services In St. Louis and to see what a Certified Clinical Trauma Treatment Specialist can do for you. Learn how Somatic Experiencing therapy helps radically shift trauma responses.