It’s usually the case that no one can push your buttons like a family member. That may go double for parents. Even the most well-intentioned mother or father can overstep boundaries on a regular basis. However, when your parents are toxic, the dynamic shifts even more dramatically. In turn, the impact they can have on your mood — and your life — feel greater. This makes it all the more necessary to cultivate ways to set and enforce boundaries. It may not be easy but it absolutely has to be done.
Toxic Parents
Three common characteristics of toxic parents are:
Seeking control
Manipulation
Hyper-critical input
Such parents may leave you feeling “stuck.” You want to detach but they make you lose confidence in your ability to set goals and make your own choices. Years of being told that nothing you do is good enough can take quite a toll on a person.
To address this ugly situation requires decisiveness. Unless and until you can set firm boundaries, you will be trapped between two conflicting goals:
Standing up as your own person
Appeasing your parents
Setting Boundaries
The good news is that you have choices. As an adult, you have the right to live as you choose and there are many options available to you — perhaps more than you have ever dreamed of. You don’t have to live in fear and/or dread of what your parents may do next. Life can be different for you and it all begins with creating and setting boundaries that work for YOU. Your parents will push back but you must hold strong.
How to Set Firm & Effective Boundaries With Your Toxic Parents
The underlying foundation of this effort is a clear recognition that you can stop trying to please people who will never be pleased with you. There’s nothing wrong with wanting the approval of others — especially your parents — but it is crucial to recognize when that approval is unattainable. Therefore, you can and must set boundaries with your parents and with yourself.
Reimagine Your Own Actions
Setting boundaries with toxic parents begins with you deciding what you are willing to do and what is off-limits. Some suggestions:
Firmly decide in advance what you’re willing to share with your parents
Commit to no longer trying to change them
Dedicate yourself to daily self-care, e.g. healthy habits pertaining to sleep, eating, exercise, and stress relief
Stop trying to be the “perfect” child
Set Boundaries on Their Actions
There are countless areas in which this can take place but these are the most common examples:
No unexpected visits
They must stop with the lectures, criticisms, interruptions, and yelling
You can and will decide how you spend the holidays
Pick up the phone or answer texts and emails when you’re ready to do so
You are not obligated to interact with your parents on social media
Reserve the right to walk away from any situation in which you feel threatened, attacked, judged, or abused
Do You Need a Boundary Coach?
Setting boundaries in any situation can be quite a balancing act. When doing so with toxic parents, this task can have you pulling out your hair. Fortunately, you do not have to undertake this mission alone.
Working with a counselor empowers you in many ways. You’ll have someone to listen to you and advise you in a non-judgmental way. You get help with recognizing the lifelong patterns that may be keeping you stuck. Most of all, therapy offers you a safe space in which to discover new ways to live in this world. Even amid the challenges of 2020, empowerment coaching is available to you via video chat!
