Assertiveness often gets a bad rap. People tend to equate it with pushiness or arrogance. Truth be told, there can be a fine line between being assertive and being aggressive. But make no mistake, assertiveness is not an intrinsically negative quality. When you are assertive, you are respectfully expressing your personal power. You’re not being selfish but you’re also not being passive.

This is possible because it is possible to be forthcoming about your needs. At the same time, you can also honor the boundaries of others. It may be a delicate balance but with practice — and perhaps some professional guidance — you can find a healthier way to live in the world.

The Value of Assertiveness

  • Positive expression: An assertive person can articulate their feelings when things are going well. This includes giving compliments and letting someone know that you like them.
  • Negative expression: One needs to be resolute when expressing emotions like resentment or discomfort. Assertiveness empowers you to say no more often. It also facilitates your taking initiative.
  • Nipping problems in the bud: Related to negative expression, this benefit allows you to address issues before things can turn negative.
  • Questioning authority: A powerful tool in 2020, this trait enables you to proclaim your beliefs in the name of making things better.
  • Claiming your voice: Assertiveness helps counter the anxiety that comes with making a request or speaking up for yourself.

5 Key Ways You Can Take Steps for More Assertiveness

1. Assess Your Current Situation

Assertiveness may not feel urgent if you haven’t fully appraised your current situation. Take some time to carefully evaluate your day-to-day interactions. Are you — and your rights — being respected? Are other people attempting to bully or intimidate you? How comfortable do you feel speaking up for yourself? Maintaining a daily journal will come in handy here!

2. Rely on Direct Communication

A key component of being assertive is being direct. Eschew passive-aggressive communication. Practice speaking clearly and directly about whatever is on your mind. Practice, in general, is an excellent idea. If you’re working with a counselor (see below), this is the ideal scenario for getting comfortable with direct communication.

3. Be Like the Stoics

Learn to recognize what is and isn’t under your control. The ancient philosophy of Stoicism teaches us how frustrating life can be when we focus on things beyond our influence. Instead, it helps to work on:

  • Improving and evolving on a personal level
  • Focusing our energy on how we react more so than on how others behave

4. Self-Confidence, Not Self-Importance

Throughout the process, make sure to keep things in balance. There’s a fine line between self-confidence and self-importance. A key point to remember: Your rights are as important as anyone else’s rights. However, they are not more important.

5. Listen to Conflicting Viewpoints

As with #4 above, this is a fine way to maintain perspective as your assertiveness training progresses. Even the most assertive people in the world have room to learn and grow. Stay open to hearing out other opinions and perspectives. Then, assert yourself by making up your own mind.

Learning Assertiveness is Easier With a Guide

There are many reasons why you may find assertiveness tricky. Social dynamics, for example, can serve to limit your perception of what is and isn’t “permitted.” It helps to have someone guide you to a place where you give yourself such permission. This is just one of the many benefits of regular counseling sessions.

As your therapist, I can serve as a sounding board or even a teammate as you navigate the road to being more assertive. You can role-play, problem-solve, and strategize in a safe space of your own making. Please read more about empowerment coaching and reach out when you’re ready for a consultation.