Everyone knows the common phrase, “love at first sight.” It is whimsical and aspirational, but, of course, it is also incomplete. Despite another popular phrase (“all you need is love”), relationships do not thrive on love alone. In fact, it might be a more accurate barometer of long-term healthy connections if they were based on a new phrase: “All you need is trust.” Love can often be an instantaneous feeling, one that can be almost impossible to define. Trust, on the other hand, takes time to come by because it is earned rather than than bestowed. Trust can also be lost faster than love. When trust is lost, it has the capacity to become a long-term issue.
What Is Meant By “Trust Issues”?
Trust requires risk. To have “trust issues” is to be unwilling — for many possible reasons — to take risks with others. You may fear you’ll be betrayed or manipulated or abandoned based on past experiences. Consequently, you become simply unable to risk such outcomes again. You may be friendly and outgoing, but you keep others at arm’s length. This can hurt you and hurt others because a deeper connection cannot be made, and everyone loses out.
Trust Issues and Attachment Insecurity
According to attachment theory, human attachments typically fall into three broad categories:
- Secure Attachment: Warm, responsive, consistent, loving and also holds you accountable (i.e., has firm boundaries and upholds high standards).
- Anxious Attachment: Fears that small acts will ruin relationships; believes they must work hard to keep the interest of others.
- Avoidant Attachment: Disregards needs, denies responsibility, shames your feelings and is uncomfortable with intimacy.
Anything except secure attachment puts you in a precarious position when it comes to letting down your guard. Regardless of your past, though, you can still heal. Even in adulthood, feeling fully secure in a secure attachment relationship is entirely possible. Attachment styles are not inherently permanent. With dedication and motivation, your attachment style can be altered. As a result, you can change your perception, behaviors, and outcomes immensely — at any age!
Educate yourself on attachment theory. Talk to others in your life to help recognize patterns that may not be visible to you. The more curious you are about the forces acting on you, the deeper you can comprehend why you feel and act as you do. Knowledge is power — and a never-ending journey.
Own Your Attachment Story
You didn’t ask to be raised as you were. However, you can re-write your role by challenging ways you may be perpetuating this cycle in your current life and within yourself by:
- Making sense of your roots: It doesn’t have to be about blame. Rather, allow yourself to explore and explain who helped shape you and how.
- Taking responsibility from now on: In childhood, you felt like a pawn in a game. As an adult, you have the power to own your actions and your recovery.
- Observing yourself with compassion: Pay attention to your feelings and your tendencies within the realm of attachments. This is not a license to self-blame. Instead, it’s about becoming an active author in re-writing the narrative of your life.
Trust Someone to Help You Learn To Trust More
When it comes to cultivating trust, much of the advice may be filed under “easier said than done.” For this reason, it makes sense to consider counseling as your first step. Regular therapy sessions are like a laboratory of sorts for practicing the process of trusting. Underlying issues are identified. New strategies are suggested. The results are discussed. All of this adds up to a deeper awareness of the factors influencing your behavior. With that foundation, trust may not seem as dangerous or daunting as it does now. You can build secure attachment relationships and heal from attachment trauma.
