It probably doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone that the holidays tend to bring up conflict among families. In addition to compromised family dynamics that might already exist from past wounds, tensions could be especially high this year: Discussions might gravitate towards politics; arguments may ensue about the current global health crisis (please visit the CDC website for how to safely gather this year); and anxiety tends to be triggered about unrealistic expectations surrounding the holiday.
So how does someone cope with the negative family dynamics instead of just surrendering to the idea that the holidays are going to be a nightmare?
Manage your expectations of the holiday.
Odds are good that, if you’re reading this and nodding in tandem with everything I’ve said, you already know your own holiday might not exactly be eggnog and jolly times. Plan in advance and stay realistic about what your holiday might look like. While traditions might look different and chaos could come up, recognize that very little in life matches up to your ideas of perfection, and that’s okay.
Practice gratitude despite the family dynamics.
A lot of the pressure we feel about the holidays is associated with wanting to maintain control. Instead, you might try accepting things for how they are and being grateful that loved ones are all under one roof for a short time. When we reframe our perspective to see things in a grateful light, we step into our own empowerment.
Make the decision not to argue and stick to it.
If your family has a tendency to rival political divisions over dinner or raise voices on a whim, remember that you are allowed to not participate in the debate. If you decide in advance that you’d prefer not to be involved in arguments, practice this simple but effective statement: “I don’t want to talk about this.” More often than not, that will halt the escalating tensions in one fell swoop.
Take care not to revise this statement by including your stance on it (i.e. “I disagree with you because of… but I don’t want to talk about it.”) This only encourages tensions by voicing your own opinion, but not allowing someone else to voice theirs.
Alternatively, if you do wish to have a mature conversation about dividing issues, make sure you stay on topic and avoid making it personal. Also, do your part in the debate and be sure to listen; much of the success of difficult conversations is listening to what the other person has to say.
Prioritize yourself among family celebrations.
The holidays often come with an added pressure to accept every invitation. In order to avoid additional stress, know that it’s okay to take time for yourself, even when there is pressure to spend all of our time with loved ones. Create time and space for your favorite self-care activities, and don’t be ashamed to maintain your routine. Routine is a big part of alleviating anxiety, and just because it’s the holiday season doesn’t mean that should go on the back burner.
Accept that it’s okay to opt out if that’s what’s best for you.
If the idea of visiting a relative’s house or attending yet another Christmas cookie exchange triggers an immense amount of stress and anxiety, consider taking a pass this year. The holidays should be about celebration, and if that doesn’t feel possible in anticipation of the family dynamics, know that it’s okay to set boundaries and opt out.
When having this conversation with family members, it’s best to utilize “I statements,” solely expressing your own feelings and thoughts without being accusatory or blameful. For example, you might say, “I feel like we tend to get in arguments about _______ even when I’ve expressed how that makes me feel. I need to keep my anxiety at a minimum this year, so I’ve decided not to take part.”
Regardless of if you approach this discussion in a calm and assertive manner, it could very likely be the case that family members might get combative. At this point, it’s entirely within your power to disengage from the conversation; it isn’t your fault if family members aren’t ready to listen and respect your needs. Above all else, remember that this conversation isn’t about convincing the family of your decision, but rather to establish your boundaries you need over the holidays.
The holidays can be stressful enough without the added tension that this peculiar year might add to it, so it’s important to make of the holidays what you want them to be. There is no shame in making your mental health a priority, no matter the time of year.
