“Fear of commitment” has become a buzz phrase surrounding relationships. It sometimes seems that, no matter where you look, someone experiences this fear that hinders them from getting into healthy relationships. In some cases, it has even reached the extent where it is romanticized as a norm. But it is actually avoidant attachment hard at work.
We often collectively chalk fear of commitment up to a past relationship where someone did us wrong or hurt us, and this could very likely be the case. But did you know that fear of commitment is more likely to originate when we were just babies? In fact, fear of commitment is rarely anyone’s fault— anyone but the parent or other caregiver, that is.
Our attachment styles develop in childhood based on how readily and lovingly our needs were met by our caregivers, and one of these such styles is avoidant attachment… a.k.a. fear of commitment. In an avoidant attachment upbringing, an infant likely only got some of their needs met while the rest of them were neglected (i.e. being fed regularly, but rarely held) causing extreme independence, self-direction, and discomfort with intimacy well into adulthood.
Avoidant Attachment in Romantic Relationships
This inability to experience intimacy confidently and without fear is certainly a prevalent problem in romantic relationships. Someone who experiences avoidant attachment can become easily “suffocated” by their romantic partner, even if that partner is only trying to establish a connection in a healthy and securely-attached way.
In every relationship, an avoidance-attached individual will almost undoubtedly have an exit strategy planned before it’s even made Facebook official. This is one way that we see or experience the tendency and need to maintain control, independence, and autonomy in an avoidance-attached lifestyle. This lifestyle is built largely on the misconception that “getting close” to someone romantically is psychologically and emotionally impossible or undesirable. We know this is not true because humans are genetically disposed and psychologically wired to crave love, and this kind of fallacy is best rewired with the help of a licensed professional counselor.
This attachment style even carries well into couples’ sex lives, and sex becomes a means to replace connection. For these individuals, sex is about the physical sensations, not the emotional connection, and it might become a way to artificially connect to appear to be putting forth well-intentioned effort in the relationship. In other cases, avoidance-attached individuals might forgo sex entirely, instead exhibiting their extreme independence through pornography and masturbation.
Red Flags
A lot of these things are red flags in and of themselves, but as with many relationships, they’re not always easily recognized on the first date— or even the second one, for that matter. In fact, the indicators might take some time to become especially evident. But, as mentioned previously, fear of conflict has become a bit of a norm, and there are many phrases or situations that might alert you to an individual with avoidant attachment.
You should be wary that you are attracted to an individual with an avoidant attachment style if one of the following “cliches” is noticed. Similarly, if you recognize one of these examples as something you do, you might be learning more about your own attachment style. But remember: You can get help and work to rewire this so that you, too, can experience healthy and happy relationships like you deserve.
- You hear the phrase “commitment issues” all too often when discussing where the relationship is going.
- The person in question works all week and refuses to make time for the significant other, but then gets agitated when the significant other wants to spend time with him or her over the weekend.
- The person dates a significant number of individuals, always leading with: “I don’t want anything serious.”
- The person is known to discard relationships without a second thought, even though it seemed to be going well to outsiders.
- It is also worth noting that men are more likely to be avoidant than women, but of course, this is not a cut and dry indication.
Regardless of the “red flags,” everyone is deserving of love. Everyone is worthy of feeling safe and secure in a relationship, no matter what their pre-disposition is from childhood.
