You might be asking yourself this question if you intensely struggle with shame, insecurity, and panic in relationships. These struggles may lead you to disown your own needs, emotions, and belief systems just to remain connected to someone despite the pain it causes you. If it feels like you continue to get into romantic relationships and friendships with the same type of people over and over again then you might be codependent.
Let’s look at the definition of codependency to gain a greater perspective.
Definition of codependency: A way of relating to the world and others categorized by ongoing behavioral patterns of being in relationships that are destructive and lack reciprocity. This behavioral pattern is often associated with a low value of self creating an inability to set boundaries without guilt, shame, or fear and difficulties expressing needs and desires in relationships. Sound familiar?
What do codependent behaviors look like?
Minimizing your experience or ignoring your instincts in relationships
Taking blame or responsibility for others emotions and behaviors
Unsure of your own reality, beliefs, and values independent of others
Fear of being seen by others as bad, unacceptable, inadequate, inappropriate and undesirable
Fear that you are too much so you keep your authentic self hidden
Replacing your needs for nurturing and love with things such as clothes, cars, trips, beauty treatments
Accepting and expecting pain inflicted on you by others
Accepting the pain you create for yourself with your extreme need to please
Overworking, over performing, perfecting to measure up
Settling for and chasing after relationships that lack trust, respect, reciprocity, and closeness
Defining your self worth and value based on how others perceive you or what they expect from you become completely dependent on the approval of others
How do I overcome codependency?
1. Identify your true core values by making a values list. A core values list can be difficult to create when you struggle with codependency as you may not be used to looking within (instead of to others) about what is considered acceptable.
Use this identifying your values exercise.
2. Identify how well your current relationships with your parents, partners, and friends fall in line with your values. Identify the ways your codependent behaviors go directly against what you have identified as your values.
3. Journal about how you learned to sacrifice your basic needs to remain in connection with others.
The 5 basic needs according to the research:
Secure attachments to others (includes safety, stability, nurturance, and acceptance)
Autonomy, competence, and sense of identity
Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
Spontaneity and play
Realistic limits and self-control
4. Get support!!!!! You are not alone: Go to codependence anonymous (coda) meeting
Research References
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2003). Schema therapy: A practitioner’s guide. New York: Guilford Press.
