Grief is one of the most complex yet misunderstood emotions. Being that it grows out of loss, it is often uncomfortable to explore or discuss, especially when it is the result of infertility. For some, it’s too private. Others fear they will look weak if they engage in prolonged mourning.
For almost all of us, grief is almost exclusively associated with the death of a loved one. All of these connotations can serve to complicate our feelings of longing. A good place to start reimagining what we know and how we express grief is to broaden our perceptions of it. For example, how many of us assign the act of grieving to an individual or couple dealing with infertility?
Why Do We Grieve?
Contrary to conventional wisdom, grief covers a lot of ground. Ultimately, mourning is in the eye of the beholder. Still, there are some general categories of issues and events that often revoke grief:
- Death of a loved one
- Divorce or separation
- Loss of a job/financial crisis
- Being victimized by a crime
- Injury, illness, disability
- Child leaving home
- Relocation
We can also mourn more abstract losses like our innocence, youth, or an unfulfilled future vision. That last one is partly where infertility may land.
Infertility Hurts
Infertility is disorienting. Each of us has a vision of how we imagine our lives will go. Part of that vision is an expectation that outside factors will cooperate with us. This may or may not be realistic but it serves as our reality. Infertility shakes this vision of reality and couples may:
- View the situation as unfair
- Feel like they’ve failed
- See it as a statement on their womanhood
- Compare their situation with others
- Experience resentment and a sense of betrayal
- A loss of stability
- Enter into a deep sense of grief
4 Strategies to Cope with the Grief & Longing Connected to Infertility
Longing connected to infertility may feel like an invisible form of grief. Infertility itself is not something commonly discussed and still carries a stigma for some people. therefore, it is very important for you to practice self-help and rely on a support system. Other strategies include:
1. Get Comfortable Naming and Articulating Your Feelings
Shakespeare himself urged, “Give sorrow words.” Do not repress your feelings. Others may not understand so it’s wise to expect some sincere but insensitive replies. But that’s on them. Do not allow others to silence you.
2. Create Your Own Rituals and Mourning Process
If a family member passes away, we have some expectations as a society. This may include a funeral and bereavement leave from work. Confer with your loved ones to imagine your own approaches and ideas.
3. Connect With Others In-Person or Online
This topic may be under-discussed but you are not alone. Join a support group of kindred spirits — either online or in person.
4. Practice Self-Care
To ward off depression and loneliness, it is crucial that you perform daily rituals to support yourself. From sleeping habits and exercise to hobbies and relaxation techniques, you’ll need to find ways to maintain your spirit as you process this loss.
Developing the Skills to Cope with Infertility
As stated up top, grief is not a common topic of mainstream conversation. Hence, there is no shame in needing some help with it. Working with a therapist is a valuable step toward:
- Better understanding the healthy processing of grief
- Being validated for the grief and longing you feel pertaining to infertility
Your counseling sessions can’t erase the suffering. What they can do is teach you more about how you, as an individual, deal with grief. Such exploration is extremely beneficial for your growth, healing, and recovery from any of life’s painful experiences. I am an experienced grief counselor. If you need help through this phase of your life, please reach out for a consultation soon.
