When a person hears the term “abandonment,” they typically think of someone physically leaving their side— a child separated from their mother in the grocery store or a significant other deciding to call it quits, for example. But abandonment actually takes hold in a much more prevalent way.Emotional abandonment can be one of the driving forces in a relationship, even as the person is sitting right next to you.
Fear of abandonment is an innate, primal worry. It is not unnatural for the human condition to cause us to feel slightly insecure in our relationships. In fact, it is often necessary to a healthy relationship to a certain extent. This fear is ultimately what motivates us to invest in and nurture our relationships in the first place.
It is when this fear or consistent presence of rejection becomes a vicious cycle that results in debilitating insecurity that it becomes necessary to put a stop to it.
What Does the Cycle of Abandonment Look Like?
At its core, abandonment issues often occur as a replication of childhood experiences. Children are remarkably vulnerable and impressionable, and if a parent consistently didn’t meet the emotional needs of a child in the past, that child will likely grow up “normalizing” this experience in adult life. In fact, they may even go so far as to seek it out.
Being stuck in this cycle can rear its ugly head in a host of different ways:
- You fear intimacy and do what you feel you need to do to disconnect from it within a relationship.
- You might avoid relationships altogether; certainly everyone is just going to leave you… or so you’ve convinced yourself.
- You might find yourself holding unrealistic expectations of your partner. You are constantly in criticism mode, feeling like your emotional needs are not being met, even if they are rather far-fetched.
- Your insecurity starts to impact your relationship. Your partner can tell when your insecurity is taking precedence, and there seems to be nothing he or she can do to convince you otherwise.
- You exhibit self-loathing when your partner shies away from your consistent insecurity.
- You are constantly on the lookout for signs that things are going south, even going so far as to project misinterpretation on events.
Break the Cycle of Abandonment and Rejection
In order to put this cycle of detrimental behavior to an end, there are a number of steps you can take.
- Separate your perception of yourself from your parents’ perception of you. If this fear of rejection hinges from childhood, let go of how your parents treated you. Your perception of yourself is so much more important, and you are worth too much to let their opinion rule your life.
- Reach out to a mental health professional to help heal the wounds of childhood. These wounds can often run quite deep, and you might need a little extra manpower to embark on abandonment recovery. Please reach out today for help.
- Be kinder to yourself. As mentioned before, this fear of rejection is involuntary; you can’t just get rid of it. You didn’t sign up for it on a bulletin board outside gym class one day either. It chased you down and has now had a hold over you for much too long.
- Remind yourself that you are worthy of good love, which will subsequently attract it.
- No more blame game. Take ownership of your abandonment issues (while still employing step #3, mind you) rather than pointing fingers at the people in your relationships. Assume responsibility and reframe this fear as an opportunity to become emotionally resilient.
- Approach your relationships with a newfound self-confidence. Even if it sometimes feels feigned, be confident in who you are and what you bring to the table. Eventually, your brain will get on board and believe it, too, casting that insecurity off.
The most crucial part of transforming your fear of abandonment and rejection into emotional resilience is accepting that you are an individual, not just one half of a whole. Your insecurity is within your own control; you hold the power to unravel how it has impacted your relationships.
